I am jumping in today with no apologies. Yes, I've taken some time off, and you know what? it's been a good thing. Here's what I have done in the time since my last post; moved office spaces, taken a 30 day Bikram Yoga challenge, gone on Spring Break, hired a new employee, hung out with my family, and felt real healing.
On days like birthday's anniversaries, and of course Mother's Day, it's impossible to not use those days as signposts, marking the passage of time and providing perspective on where you have been, and where you are now.
Two years ago on either Mother's day or my mother's birthday, (they are very close together), I hosted a dinner party with some of my closest friends. It had only been three months since my mom had passed, and frankly I was in no state to entertain, but in my way, (and my mother's), I felt and still do, that a good dinner party is the cure to all of life's ills. I am sure I drank a bit too much in a failed effort to self medicate, and went to take a stack of dinner plates out of an upper cabinet. They were red 'Metlox Poppy Trails Flamingo Red" plates (see pic below) These were from the set of dishes I had grown up with, and I clumsily dropped the entire stack on the kitchen floor. Broke em', broke em' all. I felt horrible, idiotic, clumsy, sad, stupid. God bless my friends, they helped me clean up the broken pieces, (that metaphor is not lost on me BTW), and I proceeded to slip upstairs unnoticed and shut myself in my bedroom closet. I sat there sobbing uncontrollably, with a pain so deep ripping through me that I thought I would literally tear in two. I have no idea how long I was in there before one of my best friends found me, pulled me out and and all my ladies took me to a bar down the street for a nightcap, (that I surely did not need), But, (I know again with the metaphors....), I needed them, them pulling me out of that dark closet where I was crying alone, even if it did end in some of us literally falling down drunk, and meeting an insane woman that offered to babysit our kids...but we also laughed, and laughed.
That was at the beginning of what has been a long road, but a road that has lead to real recovery. Today, I can honestly say, even on this day, or maybe especially on this day, I feel truly at peace. That is not to say that I don't miss my mother, I will always miss her, but I am basking in the love of being able to mother my own children and to feel complete in that circle of love.
Not long after my mom passed, the only friend that I knew that has also lost both of his parents said, "I know you are going to be feeling grief, but it is also ok to feel relief." I knew exactly what he meant, although it seemed so hard to admit at the time. A feeling of relief that the sickness, was over. There was such an exhaustion living in anticipation of what I knew would not have a happy ending. My own personal 'Sword of Damocles.'
And so here we are, years later, and I am finally beginning to feel real peace. I know that is all my mother ever wanted for me, she told me that herself when I was only 13, and in the throws of preteen hormonal hell, so I consider this my gift from her.
Ironically, I dreamt of my father last night, I hugged and kissed him, I felt my head on his chest. He told me not to forget his birthday, and that he loved me, and was proud of me. Odd on the eve of mothers day, but it was delightful.
The outfit I chose to post today, is a classic St. John navy & white cardigan that was my mom all the way. I thought it was perfect for a lovely spring day. And yes, I am going to a dinner party with close friends tonight, because I still believe that's where most of the good things in life happen.
To all my mom friends, happy mothers day. To all the daughters that still have mom's, call them, tell them you love them. And to any of you who have lost a mom, or any loved one, or are struggling with their illness. I promise, it will get better, it will take time, it will come in fits and starts, but hold on, I promise, it will come, here's to finding peace.