Day 202

A Thousand Thanks

 Vintage Cashmere Chinese toggle closure cardigan

Vintage Cashmere Chinese toggle closure cardigan

Well,  the "season" is officially here. And by season, I am,  of course,  referring to the grand trifecta of holidays; Thanksgiving, Christmas/Chanukah, and New Year's Eve.  These are holidays that have always been deeply connected to family for me.  During some portion of the next 5 weeks, I would never fail to see my mother. We never spent a Christmas apart, ever.  These holidays are charged with emotion on so many levels, times where the void is beyond intense. My mother always used to say after we left her house  "The silence is deafening".  That is the heart of it,  the silence, not being able to talk to her about holiday menus, or what gifts the kids would like, or what to wear to a party.  

The sweater I am wearing in this post is a vintage cashmere cardigan with Chinese frog closures, that my mother inherited from my grandmother,  most likely it was made for her on one of her shopping trips to Hong Kong.  I wore this to a lovely post Thanksgiving potluck filled with the most wonderful assortment of friends.

Holiday's also serve as a sort of emotional time machine.  It is impossible not to look back and think  "Where was I last year at this time?"  not just physically, but also mentally.  I'm not going to sugarcoat, last Thanksgiving was awful.  I won't go too deeply into it, but let me just say that the evening ended with me walking through my neighborhood for close to two hours sobbing hysterically.  Pretty messy business.  I eventually ended up at my dear friend Sandy's house, where I downloaded, recuperated, and finally walked back home.  

That brings me to this year, This year was different.  Yes, there is still (and always be) a void, but this year, I was able to reflect on all of the people in my life that have helped to fill that void.  Friends and family that have been there every step of the way.  You know who you are:  you slept in the hospital with me, you flew to Florida to help me clean out my mother's closets, you let my family stay at your house when ours was destroyed by hurricane Sandy, you took me to lunch on my first birthday after my mom died, you literally pulled me out of the closet I was hiding and crying in and after I accidentally broke a set of my mom's dishes, you never stopped checking in with me and asking how I was, you love me unconditionally, you became my turkey hotline, you love cooking with me,  you love fashion as much as I do.  To my dearest friends, my loving husband and my magical daughters, I thank you from the bottom of my heart, for helping me heal, for being there for me every step of the way, for giving me so many reasons for being thankful.  

 Sweater Detail

Sweater Detail