Sooooo, it's been a while. 34 days to be exact, (if you're keeping track, and I have been, trust me) This was an undiscussed, and frankly, unplanned hiatus, and has been very mixed emotionally for me. Frankly, I have really enjoyed the time off, mostly spent with my favorite people in the world, my husband and kids. My daughters, thanks to an interesting LAUSD calendar, had 3 weeks off for the holidays, during which my husband and I also tried to take a break. At the tail end of the time off we took a family vacation to Hawaii, which was incredible and restorative. For those of you with kids, you know that there is a very limited window in which your children really want to vacation with you, where they still think you are cool, and want to spend all their time with you. It is such a precious window, that I just couldn't bear not fully taking advantage of it. That explains one aspect of the break.
Now for the other end of it; for those of you that subscribe to the blog, and or, know me personally, you know that in December, I had a lovely, and unexpected article written about this project in Los Angeles Magazine (Thank you Madeline Brand and Anne Taylor-Fleming) And as amazing as it was, honestly, when the article came out, I froze like a deer in the headlights. I am married to an entertainer, and have witnessed first hand how he has had to bear not only accolades, but also criticism for the things that he puts out creatively in the universe, that's just how it goes, there will always be supporters and detractors, it is just part of what happens when you put yourself out there.
This project started out as an archive of sorts, a way to catalog my mother's vast collection of clothing and write little blurbs about them so that I could pass those stories on to my daughters, who were so young when she passed away. It quickly became so much more than that. It became a love letter, a dialogue, a memorial, a way that I could remain close to her. Up until the time article came out, I had a modest amount of readers, almost all friends and family. As a result, I have always felt very safe in writing, knowing that my words were landing within a supportive and understanding audience.
And then I panicked at the notion of actually having more readers, almost all of whom would be strangers,"OMG, what if some internet troll, decides to deride this? What if someone thinks it's sentimental drivel? What if someone comments negatively? The holidays are loaded with enough emotional land mines as it is, I guess I was just not prepared to open up the Pandora's box. And so I stopped. Just took a break. Took a breath. Regrouped, thought about it, talked about it with friends, and after sorting it all out, I am ready to start again. I realized that worrying about how people receive it is ridiculous, and not the point. It took me a while to get to that place, but now I am there.
This project is too special to me to let it go, I will finish what I started, I will write the way I always have, with honesty and love. For better or for worse. Mom, you would have loved me know matter what decision I made, but I know that you also would be proud of me for carrying on.