Day 86

Happy Birthday Mom (May 19th,)

 on the beach with a glass octopus neecklace

on the beach with a glass octopus neecklace

Not long after my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I went to see a Native American medicine woman here in LA.  I know exactly how woo woo that sounds, but this is a woman that I had been to before, and had changed the life of a dear friend, and had had incredibly deep insights into my life after my father passed away.  While with her, I had a vision of my mother and I, my mother was in recovery in that vision, and we were standing on the beach together holding hands.  So when I went to see her at the holidays in 2012, I made point to have us go the beach and make that vision real.  We stood together at sunset, while the girls played and held each other.  When I left at the end of that trip I cried desperately, because I felt I would never see her alive again.  I did see her again, but outside of some quick phone conversations in the next few weeks, I would never talk to her face to face again. The cancer had spread, furiously.  It took her lungs, and then it took her brain.  In the end, I would look into her eyes, to try and connect, to see what she was trying to say to me, but it was so hard.  She just looked scared.  And so I sang to her, I sang every song I knew, and I held her and, and slept on a blanket on the floor by her side.  And I was with her when she took her last breath.  Today was her birthday, and I miss her more than I can say.  But I did not, and would never have, wanted her to suffer, to go on in pain, to see but not be able to speak.  She did not want that, and in the end, it was quick, and merciful for us all.  I did not expect this wave today, mostly beacuse I usually get hit out of the blue, not on the "excepted" days.  But there you go, it comes when it comes.  

In this picture, she is wearing a glass octopus necklace, she had two, I am wearing the light one in this picture, I am not ready to wear the one. she was wearing, I have it though, and each daughter will inherit one.  Mom, I miss you today.  Your son, (my brother) is getting remarried this week, to a woman you have met, and you know loves him.  That is a big deal, so I will pull myself together, and celebrate that happiness, because that is what makes life march on.  They are going to have a baby, and you would have also loved that.  Don't worry, I will spoil the baby for you, and do all the stuff that would make Jordan roll his eyes, but that he would secretly love.  And I will love and Adore Pavel and Anya forever, and make sure that all your grand-babies know and remeber you.  I love you forever. xoxo