Today's post caught me by surprise. It is not all what I intended to post. Originally I was thinking about posting a belt from the 70's. But something else happened instead. As I have mentioned, this project has made me think a lot about possessions, what to keep, and what to let go of. When my mom died, I immediately took on the project of cleaning out her bedrooms, one in NY and one in Florida. The desire to do that right away was twofold; first, I felt like I had to do it while I was numb and driven by that supernatural strength that sometimes occurs after loss, and secondly, I did not want my stepfather to have to encounter her things at every turn, and I wanted to take care of him. In addition to clothing and accessories, my mother had fabulous makeup. Oh how we loved to go cosmetic shopping together, it may sound shallow, but what fun. Because, of course that new blush is going to be ALL you'll need to look like a glowing 14 year old from here on out, and that face mask! Ooh and that eye cream!…you get the idea. I remember our ladies trips, wandering around a department store cosmetic department, strolling, holding hands. As spring arrived, I started feeling the need to pare down some things, and one of the things that I have accumulated over the years, are cosmetics, not only mine, but my moms that I could not bear to throw out. They were all perfectly good, and I kept thinking, "Oh I will use these" but the truth is, a lot of them are not for my coloring, and they have mostly been sitting unused, and will eventually expire. So I decided to bring them all into my office and share them with the ladies here. As I started to put a bag together, I realized that I had not really even looked at them in a year. And as I took each bottle, compact, and lipstick to wipe them off, my heart started to break. I realized that I will not ever take those jaunts with her, I will not call her and tell her what new color lipstick to try. And in that moment I missed her with such a deep ferocity, that I burst into tears. I am crying as I write this now. I know that I need to let some things go, that it is ok. That I am not letting go of her if I let go of some of her possesions. She is as much in my heart, as ever, and things are things. Love is love, memories are forever. Today I am wearing her lipliner, it is not really my shade, but this I will keep. And thats OK. Mom - I miss you, and I love you so much. Wherever you are, I hope you can feel that.
